Depression

Dear Shelby,

I always feel sort of depressed in the winter.  I eat more, sleep more, and I feel less motivated and just kind of sad.  Is there anything I can do to feel better, or do I just have to wait this out?

                                                                       Signed, Winter Blues

Dear Winter Blues,

You are in good company.  A lot of people report feeling a bit depressed during the winter.  The days are shorter, the sun is often hiding, it's cold, and people tend to "hibernate."  A few lifestyle changes can make a big difference.  Make sure you are getting enough sleep (at least 7 to 8 hours), and try to sleep on a consistent schedule, going to bed and waking up at around the same time each day.  Start your day with some light stretching and try to get in some cardio exercise for 30 minutes at least three or four times a week.  If the sun is out in  the morning, make a point to bundle up and step outside for some sunshine and fresh air.  The exposure to sun helps to reset your circadian rythms and the light exercise and fresh air help alleviate the "cabin fever" feeling and help to release important hormones and brain chemicals linked to a better mood.

Also aim to eat a healthy diet.  With less fresh fruits and vegetables available, it's easy to eat more comfort foods and that leaves most people feeling sluggish.  Look for healthy soup, chili, and stir-fry recipes to satisfy both your need for warm, comforting foods and your need for healthy ingredients.  Pay attention to adding some healthy fats, like those from avocados, nuts, fatty fish and olive oil, as Omega 3 fatty acids have been linked to better mood management.

You will also want to balance your time snuggled up indoors in front of a fire with time spent with friends and family.  Engaging in social activities is a great way to improve your mood.  Decide you will go over to your friend's house, even if you don't feel like it.  Most people find they are often glad they forced themselves to go, and end up having a good time.   Find some fun group activities to do that can build positive winter memories: snow-shoeing, ice skating, gingerbread house competitions. 

Lastly, look at the way you think and talk to yourself during the winter.  Decide to notice the aspects of winter that you love.  Practice being present and mindful as you walk, noticing the frost on the lawn, the way the icicles sparkle in the sun, the animal tracks left in the snow.  If you hear yourself thinking, "I'm tired, it's too cold to do anything," respond by saying to yourself, "It is cold.  Hopping on the treadmill to watch my show will warm me up and wake me up."  There is a lot of power in the way we think.  It greatly influences our actions. Try keeping a gratitude journal during this time, noting at least five things every day that you are grateful for.

If after implementing these changes, you still feel depressed, I would recommend consulting with your primary care physician or a therapist to discuss your symptoms and other ways you might address alleviating your depression.

                                                                             Yours,  Shelby

Boundaries

Dear Shelby,

I feel so exhausted during the holidays.  My family wants us to be with them, my husband's family wants us to travel to see them, we have two small kids and a slew of parties to go to, presents to buy, and I just can't seem to get it all done.  Help!  What should I do?

                                                                        Signed,  Exhausted

Dear Exhausted,

Intimacy

Dear Shelby,

I’m embarrassed to even write and ask you this. My husband and I don’t have the sex life we used to. Sadly, I just don’t have that much energy or passion for it. I was never someone with a really high sex drive, but now I feel like I have none. Is there any medicine I can take or anything I can do to reignite the passion?

                                                              Signed, Feeling the Bedroom Blahs


Dear Feeling the Bedroom Blahs,

I completely understand your embarrassment. We live in a society with confusing messages about sexuality and a lot of people don’t feel comfortable talking about sex. I assure you, there is no reason you should feel embarrassed. Most couples go through periods of sexual incompatibility with a decrease in desire and frequency and I hear your struggle often in my therapy office.

A woman’s sexual drive and energy is tied to several things: hormones, stress and emotional connection, to name a few of the biggies. Women find their sexual drives change as they age—some women experience an increase in drive, but most report a decrease, usually due to decreasing levels of free testosterone, increased stress, and changing societal roles (like motherhood) that can feel in direct opposition to picturing oneself as “sexy.” Medications such as the pill, SSRIs for depression, and those for high blood pressure, cholesterol, and diabetes can have decreased sexual drive as a side effect. There is no medication yet approved by the FDA for women with the specific intent to increase sexual drive, but there is a growing amount of attention and interest in research in this area.

For now, I would encourage you to pay attention to the role physical and sexual intimacy plays in your marriage. Save some time and energy for that part of your relationship. Know that you will often feel “too tired” but if you push through the fatigue to allow for playful interactions, desire will often banish fatigue. Learn to talk openly with your partner about sex. Share your thoughts on what you’d like this aspect of your relationship to look like, what you need and what you enjoy. (Some women find they need more “warming up” through foreplay before they even begin to feel any desire.) Establish some shared common goals for your sexual relationship. Most couples find that although the idea of setting dates for sex isn’t “romantic,” it is incredibly effective.

Pay attention to yourself as a sexual person. Most women find when they allow time for a healthy diet and exercise, they feel more in tune with their bodies, have a greater appreciation for their physical self, and in turn, feel “sexier.” Remember when you used to flirt with your husband? Focus on being playful in your marriage. Reconnect and nurture the emotional part of your relationship by going out on dates and having “mini dates” at home after work, chores and kids are put to rest for the night. Focus on moments when you do feel some sexual drive in order to build your vision of yourself as a sexual person and in charge of your own pleasure. It is unfair to expect your partner to always create the mood and do just the right things to get you turned on.


Rebuilding a fun and healthy sexual relationship is an important part of creating a strong and meaningful marriage. There are no rules here…you and your partner get to determine what is right for the two of you. Some couples find they want to have sex more frequently. Some couples find they like less frequent sex, and simply want more intimate connection when they do have sex. (And remember that in 99.9% of couples, there will always be one person who is satisfied with less sex and one person who wants more. Focus on finding a range you can both be happy with.) Together you can create a vision for this part of your relationship that feels respectful, fulfilling, and enjoyable to you both.

                                                                             I wish you lots of fun, Shelby

 Pre-teens

Dear Shelby,

My 11-year-old daughter has been very testy lately! She is sweet as anything sometimes but flips out easily and is short tempered. She seems annoyed and angry. When I ask her what’s wrong, she tells me that there is sadness in her heart that will never go away. It breaks my heart! So when I ask why... she gives me a huge list. Everything from her dog died, to her friend is mad at her, to wishing we hadn’t moved last year. Once she told me this, I feel she uses it as a cop out for being mean or disrespectful. Help!! I suggested that she go to a doctor to talk to them. Do you think I should take her to a therapist or even just a doctor? How do I help my daughter?

                                                                             Signed, Tired of the Rollercoaster Ride

Dear Tired of the Roller Coaster Ride,

First let me say, I love how compassionate you are about your daughter. It’s hard to watch your child change, and it’s hard to see them in pain. I want you to know that it's pretty common for pre-teen girls to start getting an attitude, being angry, more irritable, and stand-offish, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't address it.  I would try some things at home first, and then if it isn't getting better after a month or so, I would look into working with a therapist to address her needs. Sometimes at this stage, girls have so many changes going on: with their bodies, with school and friend dynamics...sometimes that sadness is related to not only the obvious heart-aches like losing a pet or a move, but also the loss of their childhood self. There is a feeling they need to conform to new standards of beauty and the cultural ideals of what is means to be feminine--and I think most women would agree that it is at times sad and crazy-making to try to be a healthy American woman.

If you think there might be a medical cause for her behavior, you can always start with a check up at the pediatrician. They might do blood work to make sure she's not anemic or hypoglycemic or something like that (which can make you tired, irritable, and testy.) If you don't get the sense it's anything medical related, what your pediatrician can do is refer you to a therapist or talk about medication, and I wouldn't go that route yet.

First, make sure she's getting enough sleep, eating enough of a fairly balanced diet, with healthy fats and protein and good carbs. Second, talk with her about how it's okay to feel sad, but that she has to learn to deal with it better, because it's not okay to act the way she's acting no matter how she feels. Tell her you'll teach her how to express her feelings better and help herself feel better, and that you are going to hold her accountable for her behavior. Decide on a clear plan for behavior: tell her your expectations and the consequences for bad choices. (And then follow through--every time--ugh!) Help her find good ways to express her sadness and anger: with words, through journaling, through art, through dance, etc. When she feels mad, have her punch her pillow, rip up paper, run around the backyard (or the block if it's safe and you trust her). When she feels sad, show her she can soothe herself by talking to you (or a friend or an aunt), wrap herself in a blanket, have a cup of hot cocoa, listen to music. Let her know all feelings are okay, and that most people feel that kind of heavy sadness at some point, and there are ways to make yourself feel better when you're in a low place. Help her make time for joy: friends, sports, playing outside.

There are some cool (and kinda cheesy) relaxation CDs on Amazon, and some kids really like meditating to music or a guided meditation CD. I would also recommend you read "Reviving Ophelia" by Mary Pipher. It's a great book written by a therapist about the difficulties girls entering adolescence face--it was written in the 90s, but it still so relevant for today. I think every woman and every parent of a pre-teen girl should read this book!

I hope that helps. If after a month or so of paying attention to all of those things you haven't noticed any great improvement, it might be a good idea to see if she wants to talk with a therapist about the sadness in her heart and how she can make healthier choices for expressing herself.

                                                                                       Yours, Shelby

Alcohol issues

Dear Shelby,
I’m worried I might have a problem with alcohol. I find I’m drinking 3 or 4 glasses of wine every night after work. I start with a pre-dinner drink, have some with dinner, and then have more before I have to go to bed. I didn’t think it was a big deal, but then I started noticing I really look forward to it, more than I look forward to seeing my family, more than I look forward to almost anything else. I don’t feel settled until I have my first glass of wine. Things have been stressful and I find I do look forward to numbing out a bit after a hard day. Is this alcoholism or just normal coping?
                                                                                 Signed, Too Much Merlot

Dear Too Much Merlot,

Alcohol use is a normal part of a lot of people’s lives. It’s not uncommon for people to look forward to a drink at the end of a long day, but what you describe seems like more than normal alcohol use. What you describe sounds like alcohol abuse. The tip-off was how much you look forward to it, the amount you drink daily, and your dependence on it as a way to de-stress or get “settled.” Here’s a series of questions to answer to help you evaluate your drinking behavior:

Have you ever decided to stop drinking for a week or so, but only lasted for a couple of days? Do you wish people would mind their own business about your drinking-- stop telling you what to do? Have you ever switched from one kind of drink to another in the hope that this would keep you from getting drunk? Have you had to have a drink first thing in the morning during the past year? Do you envy people who can drink without getting into trouble? Have you had problems connected with drinking during the past year? Has your drinking caused trouble at home? Do you ever try to get "extra" drinks at a party because you do not get enough? Do you tell yourself you can stop drinking any time you want to, even though you keep getting drunk when you don't mean to? Have you missed days of work or school because of drinking? Do you have "blackouts"? Have you ever felt that your life would be better if you did not drink?

If you, or someone you know, answers yes to four or more of the previous questions, an evaluation by a licensed therapist or a medical doctor may be helpful.

I suggest you work with a therapist to assess the level of alcohol abuse and to develop a plan to stop drinking and develop healthier ways to cope with the stress in your life. Some people find AA meetings helpful. To find a local therapist you can use AAMFT’s therapist locator (www.therapistlocator.net) and to find a local AA meeting you can go to AA’s website (www.aa.org). I’m glad you were able to recognize there was a problem. That kind of insight and awareness tells me you have the strength to change and take better care of yourself. I wish you the best.

                                                                                             Yours, Shelby

Vacations

Dear Shelby,

We just got back from our summer vacation and it was a disaster. My husband and I fought the entire time. He was mad at how much money I was spending, I was annoyed at how much time he wanted to spend with his parents. He expected me to watch the kids the whole time, and then he gave me a hard time when I wanted to go get my nails done! It felt like such a waste of a vacation! Why was our one week of vacation such a disaster and how do we make sure it doesn’t happen next time?

                                                                    Signed, Needing a Vacation from my Vacation

Dear Needing a Vacation from my Vacation,

I hear you! So many couples end up fighting while on vacation. It seems to be a mix of different vacationing styles, stress from the pressure of cramming in a season’s worth of fun into one week, and lack of pre-planning. I have found some calm, thoughtful conversations before your vacation can really make a difference.

Next time, a few weeks prior, start the conversation with the idea of sharing your hopes, expectations, and concerns about the vacation. A simple, “What would you like to see happen during our vacation?” is a great way to start. Remember that this is an information gathering phase, so there is no need to judge, squabble, or veto anything just yet. Hear each other out. Talk about a budget: how much money you each envision spending and where you’d like to be frugal and where you’d like to splurge. Talk about responsibilities: packing, keeping tabs on the kids, making reservations, etc. Again, share your ideas for what you’d like to see happen and what your concerns are. Talk kindly about past obstacles and ways you envision doing things differently this time around. Talk about time alone, family time, time as a couple, and shared time with family or friends who are vacationing with you. Talk about hopes for activities and down time. After each of you has a good idea of what you both would like to see happen, first notice how similar your hopes are. Enjoy a moment of knowing you are with a compatible partner. Next, discuss the areas where your visions don’t line up and come up, calmly and kindly, with some ways to make you both happy. Be willing to not have EVERYTHING you hoped for, but know there is usually a way to achieve some shared vision that allows both parties to feel validated.

Be honest about what you’d like—this is no time to be a martyr. Also realize that compromise can take many different forms: if you want to sleep in every day until 10:00 am and your husband wants to get up at 6:00 am to start the tourism activities, you can either decide to rise at 8:00 am every day, or you can do an A/B approach: Monday, rise at 6:00 am, Tuesday, at 10:00 am. Also consider that he can get up at 6:00 am, do some things he’d enjoy, and you can join him after you get up at 10:00 am. Be open to many different possibilities and don’t get caught up in being right, or fighting to have it your way. This is your vacation you’re planning. It’s better to find a way to enjoy it than to have it all your way and have resentment and anger ruling the week.

I hope you enjoy your next vacation! And remember: this one spent fighting was only a waste if you don’t choose to learn and grow from it.

                                                                             Yours, Shelby

Communication

Shelby,

My husband has so many "hobbies" and activities, I feel like he's never home.  He's a great husband and dad, when he's around, but sometimes I feel like I'm a single parent.  I don't know how to talk to him about this.  I don't want to seem like a nag, or a "ball and chain" but I miss my husband and I want him to WANT to spend time with us.  How do I get him to hear me?

                                                                  Signed,  Missing My Man

Dear Missing My Man,

So many women are resonating with your dilemma!  On the one hand, you want your husband to have interests and activites outside of the family to enrich his life.  On the other, it would be nice to feel like a prioroty to him and have some real quality time to spend with him.  It's the hot word of the decade, "Balance."

Not to stereotype too much, but women tend to complain and criticize when we share our thoughts and feelings.  Blame biology, blame socializing, but whatever the source, men will tell you they are the ones who feel blamed when we want to "talk about the relationship."   Our inner thoughts and feelings are, "I love you, I miss you, I would like to have more fun time together as a couple and as a family."  What comes out of our mouths is, "Company softball?  But you just went golfing last weekend!  And fantasy football starts in two weeks!  Am I EVER going to see you and get any help around here?!" 

Think about your words as your hands.  The desire is to pull him in closer  (think hands on his collar, playfully pulling him towards you with a smile).  What you don't want is to make him run screaming (think hands shoving him in the chest forcefully) or to make him feel trapped (think hands wrapped around his ankle and leg pulling him to stay).

When things are calm and he's not headed out the door to one of his extra-curriculars, start a conversation by telling him how much you enjoy his company.  Talk about why you think he's a great husband and dad.  Tell him you like that he has interests and passions outside the family.  Explain that it feels like time is so limited and that with your busy schedules, you miss him.  Ask him (with curiosity and deep listening, not with blame and resentment) if he feels pulled in too many directions.  Let him know you'd like more time together to have fun.  Women often phrase it as "I need more help around here."  It's not too motivating to give up fun for a long list of chores at home.  The help and chores will come, but that comes after you've found a way to strike a balance of time.  Talk about your hope that you can find a good balance as a family for time together and time to pursue individual interests.  No blame, no yelling, so snide comments. 

Most importantly, after you decide how you can make more time for each other and the kids, make sure when he does go off to softball or to have a beer with guys that you filter all resentment and all reproach out of your voice when you tell him to go and have fun. 

Good luck!

                                                                                          Yours, Shelby

Complicated relationships

Shelby,

I don't know what to do.  Mother's Day is coming soon and I have a complicated relationship with my mom.  I love her, but we don't get along well, and right now we're in a big fight and we're not speaking.  Do I give her something for Mother's Day or do I ignore her because I'm still really hurt?  I'm a grown woman--I hate to not know how to handle this!

                                                                   Signed,  Mad at Mom

Dear Mad at Mom,

I just had a client in my office last week who said, "I'm 52 years old and I'm sitting here whining about my mother."  A lot of people have issues with one or both of their parents, and that doesn't always change just because we grow into adults.  Relationships are complicated...relationships in our families of origin can be REALLY complicated.

The most important thing I hear from your question is that you love your mom.  I love that you can be mad at her and stay connected to your love for her.  It sounds like there is a part of you that wants to reconnect, a part of you that is still hurt, a part of you that is angry, and a part of you that recognizes your relationship is complicated and this fight isn't new or different for the two of you.  It's okay to have good boundaries and protect yourself and still be open to showing your mom love.  Think of it as a door to a room: you probably aren't going to close that door completely and cut her off, and you probably don't want to have that door wide open, because that would leave you open to more conflict and pain.  You want to have the door open enough to give and receive love, and closed enough to protect yourself.  That door can be cracked and slowly swing more open as you and your mom work on your relationship. 

(Sometimes cutting off completely from someone is the right choice.  If you are being physically, sexually or emotionally abused by someone who is unwilling or unable to change their behavior, complete cut-off can be the only thing that keeps you safe.) 

Having good boundaries with difficult people means finding a way to be in relationship with them without making yourself available to be hurt over and over again by them.  A therapist can be a great resource to help you figure out how to navigate your relationship with your mom in a way that feels healthier.  There are also some great books...Extraordinary Relationships by Gilbert is one that I would recommend you read.

As for Mother's Day, if a phone call seems like it might ignite into another fight, and a gift feels inappropriate given the state of your relationship, acknowledge your love for her with a card.  Speak from the part of you that feels love for her.  Keep it simple and short.  Don't let the angry part or the hurt part have a turn.  Simply remind her that you love her and that you wish her a happy Mother's Day. 

Good luck to you, and remember-- you are not alone.  Lots of people will be struggling to decide how they want to handle Mother's Day and Father's Day.  I'm sure you will find something that works for you,

                                                                                        Yours, Shelby

Kids and activities

Shelby,

We are getting so many flyers and brochures for summer camps lately.  We have three kids and we can't afford to send them to every camp they want to attend.  We want to provide them every opportunity to grow and learn, and our friends are all doing two or three camps for each of their kids, but we don't know how we'll swing it.  Are we depriving our kids by only letting them pick one week-long camp each for the summer?

                                                     Signed, Wishing Money Would Fall From the Sky

Dear Wishing Money Would Fall From the Sky,

Summer camps and art classes and sports teams and karate classes and music lessons and anything else your kids might be interested in are great.  But they really aren't necessary for growing up a healthy child.  We live in a culture of abundant choices, and it can start to feel like if we don't provide our children EVERY opportunity that we're not good parents.  (And if we don't have all the 1000 cable channels that we're missing out on something).  But that's not true.  Good parents know their kids and care for them well.  Some good parents sign their kids up for three camps.  Some don't.

Being involved in camps and classes is a great way for kids to find out what they're good at, what they're passionate about, and what they like to do for fun.  Each has it's benefits: art is great for self-expression, karate is good for confidence and learning to respect authority, team sports are good for building athletic coordination and social skills.  It can seem like kids need to be involved in lots of structured activities in order to gain the full advantage of each one.  Again, that's just not true.  Being involved in too many activities makes for tired and cranky kids, and tired and cranky parents/drivers.

Kids do benefit from some structured activities.  They also benefit from lots of free play time.  They benefit from time playing with their parents, their siblings, and their friends.  They benefit from down time and boredom; learning how to entertain yourself is quickly becoming a lost art, but it's a skill that everyone needs to master.  They benefit from the spontaneous science experiments that happen in the kitchen when creating potions in old water bottles.  They benefit from cooking lessons when mom or dad asks them to help with meal prep.  They benefit from the exercise they get from a game of tag or hide and go seek in the back yard.

Know that as you ask your kids to pick one camp for the summer, you are providing them many wonderful things.  You are showing them your love by offering the camp experience.  You are building deductive reasoning skills by asking them to prioritize and choose their favorite.  You are providing them the opportunity to develop self-soothing skills as they suffer through the disappointment of not going to every camp they want.  And you are teaching your values and building their character by living within your means and finding other ways to enrich their lives--instead of trying to keep up with your friends or the culture of abundant choice.  Good for you!

                                                                                   Yours, Shelby      

Boundaries

Shelby,

I am stretched so thin.  My practice is very busy right now, my new website needs it's share of attention, my son is playing sports that take up more time than I expected, and we decided to put our house on the market for a local move.  Do I have to do it all and do it it all well? 

                                                                            Signed,  Stressed and Stretched

Dear Stressed and Stretched,

The answer is No.  You may have to figure out a way to do most of it, but some of it can wait, and some of it can be done "well enough."  Why don't you choose something (like this column) to do in a less time-consuming way this month and come back in April renewed and ready to give it 100%.  (And if you are still stressed in April, pick something different to take a step back from so you can maintain some balance while still delivering quality in most areas of your life).

                                                                              Yours, Shelby

Vaeltine's Day

Shelby,

Do I really have to do something for my wife on Valentine's Day?  I think it's a consumer nightmare.  It's just another excuse for the card companies and chocolate companies to make a lot of money.

                                                                                      Signed, So Over It

Dear So Over It,

I will start by saying, NO--you don't HAVE to do anything.  You always have a choice.  But I will tell you the smart answer is YES.  Do something.  And here's why: Across time and culture, human beings have used rituals as a way to celebrate and mark things.  People will often say it feels contrived to designate one day to express your love for someone else, but it is what we as humans do.  We mark birthdays.  We mark deaths.  We mark having some light in the darkness.  Should we celebrate love and life and light every day?  Yes!  But do we?  No.  We get caught up in the day to day.  We get busy.  We find ourselves "getting through."

So use Valentine's Day as a way to stop and celebrate the love and marriage you have.  You can boycott the consumer culture and still leave your wife (and youself) feeling well celebrated.  Write a love letter, write a poem, write a song.  If you aren't good with words, make a collage, draw a sketch of your wife sitting in a way that delights you, or take sidewalk chalk to your driveway.  Make her favorite meal, bake her favorite dessert, or take her on a hike with two plastic cups and some champagne in your backpack.

Most people dont want "things."  They want thought.  They want to feel known, and appreciated.  Relationships need a little attention, they need tending.   Valentine's Day can be a wonderful reminder to pay some attention to the woman you married,  to the relationship the two of you have created.  Let it be a sweet ritual for your family despite the consumer culture surrounding it.

                                                                                        Yours, Shelby

Legal Disclaimer: Information in this section, "Ask Shelby" is provided for information purposes only.  Any medical information obtained from "Ask Shelby" should be reviewed with an appropriate health-care provider to determine its applicability to your particular condition.  This information should not replace treatment with a trained professional. Great care has been taken to maintain the accuracy of the information provided here.  However, Shelby Riley, M.S., LMFT is not responsible for errors, omissions, or any untoward consequences arising from your use of this information. © 2008-Present